Hawks, Buzzards and Other Mind Games

I'm posting on behalf of our brother in running, Brian:

Hard to believe, but I think back to August to try to gain some perspective on where this running journey has taken me. This one of the many mind games I play in trying to convince myself that this training-for-a-marathon-experiment-in-idiocy can possibly end well. I think back to my first attempts of running again after years of rust and fat build-up, those desperate steps on the boardwalk in OC in which a mile was a struggle. Can't you just run to the Music pier and back, you pathetic geezer??!! I remember the heat, the sweat, the utter humiliation. Well, minus the heat, not much has changed...or has it?

I have now stretched out my training runs to what is legitimately labeled "long runs"- 10 mile, 9 mile, 10 mile, 11 mile and 12 mile runs under my belt. I hope to manage 13 or 14 really slow miles this weekend, my head bobbing above the canyons of snow plowed along the path on Kelly Drive. I am quite amazed at how far I have come from those hot, futile runs last summer, yet I am overwhelmed by the distances still to be overcome. The 12 miles last Sunday seemed to take every ounce of energy, strength and fortitude I could muster. How can I possibly double this output and then some in two months time on the streets of Paris?? How much more do I really have in this aging body?

The math does not add up. I find myself doing math in my head constantly on my runs. How far have I gone? How much further do I have to go? If I turnaround now, how far will that take me? How many three mile loops go into 26.2? What time did I start my run? What time will it be when I finish? How long will I run for? How many weeks to Paris? How many "long runs" left on the training schedule? How many times have I heard this U2 song? How far have I ran since I last heard it? And on and on... Can I patent a running shirt with a built-in calculator in the sleeve? How can I get the math to add up on April 11?

A few weeks ago, I was three quarters of my way through my "long run", about 7 miles and 80 minutes through along Forbidden Drive, when I saw a large hawk sitting on a low branch of a tree alongside the trail just in front of me. Maybe it was a hallucination? I nearly stopped, but continued on and passed within 15 feet of the predator, his eyes following me the whole time as I cautiously moved in full front of him. As I ran past, I wondered what he must have been thinking....Can I take this guy and be set for winter and beyond? Kind of like hitting the hawk powerball lottery. I ran faster to ensure I was out of range quickly, my heart beating faster but not because I was running faster, hoping that the rules of nature would hold sway. Hawks swoop down on squirrels and rabbits and mice and such, not cows, pigs or gorillas, right?

Running back on Forbidden Drive, I often see the hawks majestically circling the trees overhead. Toward the end of a "long run", I sometimes wonder if they are not buzzards circling, waiting for the impending collapse of the carcass. They can smell it, can't they? The thought keeps me moving, further than I ever have run before.

I imagine Paris. I see people lined on the streets, shouting in French. I see myself sprinting to the finish line, but I can't be sure yet if I bask in sunlight or flood light. What are the tube stops near miles 18, 20, 22, 23, 24? Mile 25? If I make it that far, I know I can low crawl the rest of the way, like the way we stormed the beaches on the coast to the west.

I have had a few runner's highs on some of the "long runs". The Gu packs have sure helped(thanks Fred!). After an especially good vanilla bean last week, my step noticeably picked up at mile 9. I felt like I had a huge zipper lined down the front of my body. I unzip it and ran out of a huge layer of myself, the skin and fat of the previous me left behind on the trail behind me, the "long run" new me bounding forward, light and fleet. Could I possibly do this? Could I have again become that runner from so many years ago? Then mile 11 came, and I shuffle that last mile to the finish, completely crushed and unsure if this is at all possible.

But I figure if I can do 12, I can squeeze out 14. And if I can do 14, I can do... March 21 is circled on my calendar. That's my target date for 20 miles. I'll know better that if I can get to 14 then I can get to 20. And if I can get to 20, then...the race starts at 20, I am told! As long as I don't stop moving, I know I can get to 20!! The math means nothing, it's all in my head, and if I just don't stop moving, I will get to 26.2. And if I can do this, we all can do this. I hope and pray I can do this!

As as aside, thank god for Gu. The Gu gels are awesome, and I look forward to those packets along my runs the way I used to look forward to a Wendy's double with cheese. I have found that my tastes in Gu are very similar to my tastes in general. My preferences are in the vanillas and chocolates, not so much in the fruits. I can attest to one side effect that should raise caution in using Gu before a date or job interview. After a recent "long run", I stiffly shuffled up to my house and in the door, greeted with a jumping-into-the-arms hug from my three year old. I gave her a big kiss, and she recoiled, her nose shriveling up at me. "Bridget, what's the matter?" "Daddy, your breath is stinky!!" Relieved and satisfied, I said, "I know, sweetheart, I know". As she ran off to the play room, I was sure that no matter where this journey ends, it's been worthwhile getting here. At least that's what I will be telling myself on Sunday, round about mile 12.

BD