We ran the Dubai Marathon 10k on January 22nd. This will sound ridiculous but I was really nervous about it. So much so that I only got 2-3 hours of sleep the night before. Mentally, I am still having a hard time contemplating stretches of running that exceed an hour. I don’t yet trust that I am capable of such insanity. But the excitement and camaraderie managed to overpower my anxiety and to my surprise, we really enjoyed it. After we finished, we stuck around to watch the winner of the marathon. (We didn’t have to wait that long.) I’ve never seen elite runners that close up. And watching them go by, I’ve never felt so big and slow. So, that’s what real running looks like! Luckily we missed seeing the fastest woman cross the finish line since I later heard that she vomited her way through her last few strides. I am sure I will do the same but unlike her, I won’t be handed a $250,000 check for my troubles. I’ll be lucky if the event hasn’t already closed down and someone is around to hand me a tissue.I hate to write this but I’ve been starting to really wonder why I am doing this. Not just why but should I. The fact that most of the time I am still not sure can’t be good. Sometimes it feels like the only reason I am doing this is because I said I would. But that does little to bolster you when you are feeling the Dubai sun, your secret water stash is on the other side of the park, your knee is aching and fully-veiled women are speed-walking past you.
According to everything I have read, your state of mind is really what makes or breaks you. I usually prefer a pleasant surprise over a leap of faith and (no shocker here) this has not been serving me too well. I have not seen my “doubt and see” method in any marathon book or article I’ve read. You have to believe that you are capable. This has become my greatest challenge. Every so often, I flip through the book The Non-runner’s Marathon Trainer. And right at the beginning, it is suggested that you tell anyone who will listen that you will be running a marathon, that you are a marathoner. That just doesn’t sit well with me and to this day, I cringe whenever the subject comes up with anyone other than Bob and my family. Can’t I just tell them when I finish? If I finish? (I refuse to think about the fact that Tom is writing anything about this. Book? What book?) I don’t look like a runner. I don’t feel like a runner. So why should I go around advertising myself as a runner? I’m a jogger at best with a knee that doesn’t even want to be that.
I recently went back and re-read that article in the New York Times. I still hate it. But give me a crappy run and I slip to the other side of that argument. I appreciate the hard work and dedication necessary for a newbie to even attempt running, let alone a marathon. And hopefully I will eventually appreciate firsthand the effort it takes to finish one. Still, if by some miracle I do finish, I’m afraid I’ll be closer to someone who had a sherpa drag them up Mt. Everest than a runner who actually ran a race. I hate how negative that sounds and I worry about the toll this mindset is taking on my effort. Which means I am now worrying about worrying. Oh boy this really isn’t good. I’m really over-thinking this aren’t I? I'm annoying myself at this point.
Bob and I are signed up for the Ras Al Khaimah Half-Marathon on February 19th. Ras Al Khaimah is one of the seven emirates of the UAE and shares a border with Oman. In other words, a perfect location for long-distance running. We discovered the event after regular registration had closed but managed to sneak in through the waiting list. (Damn.) Ironically, we’ve been given left-over double-digit numbers normally reserved for elite runners. It really is a bad time to be in a country that outlaws Tylenol PM.
Despite all my complaining and over-thinking, I am determined to stick with it. I really want to see this through. I think I just needed to vent. The New York Times can still shove it. I hope you are all well!
Cristin: Your post to the blog could not have come at a better time for me, personally. I am feeling exactly the way you are. Every day for the past several weeks I have been asking myself “why am I doing this?” My life has become so crazy, clearly for different reasons than just getting married (I’ll be celebrating my 37th wedding anniversary in May), but I feel like running has taken over my life. I use to look forward to the weekend. Now, I dread it because it means I have a long run. That cuts one day out of my weekend because I do nothing else on the day I run. I am too tired to even drive myself home after the run. It should be one of the driving penalties; i.e , DUI, buzzed driving, exhausted after marathon training driving. I can’t do much of anything the night before I run because I’ll be too tired. That’s pretty much what my weekends have been like for some time now.
ReplyDeleteI, too, feel like the only reason I am doing this is because I said I would. Also, I’m paid in full for an apartment and my family is looking forward to a trip to Paris to cheer me, and the Paris-12, on. For the most part, I have stuck to my training schedule. ( I’ve slacked off some with the birth of my granddaughter and the weather. ) What concerns me is that this has not gotten one bit easier. I was hoping as I got in better shape it wouldn’t be such a struggle, such a drag. By the way, I am not in better shape. I haven’t lost a pound. How can that be??
I also feel the same way about telling people I am training for a marathon. I try to avoid it at all cost because I look like anything but an athlete. However, the part about Tom writing a book is a big motivator for me. From the beginning, I think I was more excited about being a part of a book than I was of going to Paris. That is what is still pushing me along. Reading is my favorite pastime. The fact that there is going to be a book written, that I am going to be a character in, is just beyond my wildest dreams. That I am going to be able to say to my grandchildren that this part of 26.1 to Go is about Nanny is a thrill! I’ll try to keep that motivator in mind as I continue on this journey. I know it will be enough to getting me to the starting line on April 11. --Helene